Make Love Your Choice

July 22, 2010
As a Mumbaikar, I inevitably rode its suburban trains, trying to reach a place where thousands of fellow passengers seem to be headed - as if there was just one destination and none else.

How often I have been stepped upon and how often I have seen others getting their shoes dirtied by fellow passengers, as they jostle for that extra inch of “leg” room. And, amazingly, how often I have seen passengers making light of others’ dreadful footwork. That was 25 years ago - the passenger numbers have grown exponentially since, but one hears that people still bear with one another.

Let’s examine what I am trying to say:

How often we hear a bewildered spouse say, “How can I love him, when he has hurt me so much in the past?” A few months after a fantastic honeymoon, we have questions like: “What did I see in him? How could I have been this blind!” Or, “How can I love her when she does not even understand my needs?”

The answers are complex and mired in debates, but the solution lies in understanding what it truly means to love someone.

Our primary problem is that our love is instinct-based. No wonder we are not able to cover much distance in our relationships. Studies have revealed that the average “in-love” experience lasts about two years. When we fall in love, the person we fall in love with simply cannot make any mistakes. Sadly, for the unlucky, just a few months into marriage and that same love is “challenged” with each surfacing difference.

Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel love is a primary human emotional need. The moment our relationship goes through the usual tests, we begin to hold back.


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The same psychologists have concluded that falling in love is not real. This love is created by a “temporary collapse of ego boundaries,” driven by our primal physical desires. We may or may not agree with that conclusion, but those of us who have fallen in love will agree that the in-love feeling catapults us into an emotional orbit unlike anything else we have ever experienced. It tends to make invisible our differences, our very rational thinking. The ecstasy experienced when we are in love is a feeling no poet has been able to fully justify with his quill. We find ourselves doing and saying things that we would never have said or done in our sober state. The moment this emotional high subsides, we often wonder why we did or said those things. Some even ask, “Why did we get married? We don’t agree on anything!” Suddenly those invisible ego walls become visible and at times impregnable. And then we “fall” out of love.

So many negative situations just lie in wait for us to explode in anger. As the world gets smaller and more crowded, the need to adjust has taken greater dimensions. Today, more than ever, we literally rub shoulders with people of the same flesh and blood – in the trains, buses and even places of worship. The same is also true in more and more homes. How often we forget that the person we are rubbing shoulders with has the same needs as ours. It is precisely at this juncture, that our loving the other person becomes a matter of choice. No matter how many times we are pushed, our shoes dirtied in the trains, we still choose to accommodate our fellow passenger and use the same means of travel for years on end. Sadly, when it comes to our own family members, and people we know, our egos erect walls between us.

Jesus saw the need for us to make love a choice, and when delivering the very famous Sermon on the Mount, He said: “…but I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father Who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

If love was not a matter of choice, the entire sermon would have been punctuated with riders and conditions.

In His divinity, Jesus foresaw the horrifying and hideous suffering that was in store for Him. Even before the actual events that led to His crucifixion began, the Bible tells us that Jesus sweated blood in the garden of Gethsemane for so much was His agony, having lived like a man. He, however, knew - just as He often preached - that there was a choice to be made. And, in His perfectly human form, He made that choice. He chose to love us even though it called for the ultimate sacrifice. And, as we all know, He put it into action.

Young boys and girls are willing to “die” for each other when they are experiencing the “in-love” high. The moment the in-love experience goes out of the window, in so many cases, they would rather see the other person dead. For some unlucky couples, the bliss of being “in love” hardly lasts a few days after marriage.

We have a problem with an ailing relative at home, but we have no problem if we get shoved and pushed in buses and trains by strangers.

The good news is that we can pursue “real love”. The kind of love that is emotional in nature, but not obsessional. The kind of love that is lived out of choice, than merely by instinct.

Ultimately, our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not just instinct. We need to be loved by someone who chooses to love us, who sees in us something worth loving. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. And just as we need it, the other person also needs it.

In fact, as a counsellor once rightly said, true love cannot begin until the “in love” experience has run its course.

We can choose to extend this true love not only to our spouses, but to other members in the family, in the community, and in the work place – to all the people that we are “married” to.

I remember an incident in the life of Prophet Mohammed that a friend once narrated to me. Each time the Prophet would pass through a particular area, an old lady living in that neighbourbood would throw litter at him. One day, when the Prophet was passing through there was no litter thrown on him. While returning he asked his followers to enquire about the woman. They came back saying that she was very ill. It would have been very ordinary to feel “spared” that day, but the Prophet visited her and exchanged greetings, concerned about her well being. The woman was overwhelmed with the Prophet’s gesture and was never the same again.

In my seven years of counselling, I have often come across people struggling to understand one fundamental, God’s universal law: give and you shall receive. Sadly, today’s crises is precipitated by an “inverse” understanding of that law and the modern thinking can be summed up in the question we often hear: “Why should I do anything for him/her, if he/she does not do anything for me?” God’s laws were not made for any particular generation and our attempt to ignore Him because we feel that we are modern enough to know what is good for us, will always be futile and even catastrophic for our personal well being. For those who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships, the give-first law needs to be seriously re-examined, understood and applied.

Is it easy to bring back those beautiful moments that we had when we were in love? The answer lies in making love a matter of choice, not instinct; in making it an act of the will.

Fortunately, in normal day to day situations, it does not even cost us our lives.

About the Author:

Oliver

Oliver Sutari, currently living in Manipal, provides free spiritual counselling service and, on invitation, visits schools and colleges to motivate students and teachers alike. He has already worked with scores of alcoholics, couples with marital problems, and individuals who saw no purpose in living. He has visited several countries and, is a self-taught photographer, who uses his knowledge, experience and skills to teach the under-privileged.



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Ram Puniyani
January 26,2020

During last couple of decades we have been witnessing the coming up of various statues in different parts of the country. There is diverse political logic and different set of political tendencies for erecting these statues. When Mayawati was UP CM, she got multiple of her own statues made, in addition to many statues of major dalit icons, irrespective of the criticism against that act. As per her strategy it was a symbol of identity of dalit assertion. The biggest statue to come up was that of Sardar Vallabh Bhai Patel, a lifelong Congressman, whom RSS combine is trying to appropriate. This statue of Unity was ‘Made in China’. The clever trick was that the same forces were behind this statue, which was banned by Patel in the aftermath of Gandhi murder. Interestingly while currently BJP is blaming Congress for Partition of India, ironically it was Sardar Patel who was in the committee which gave final stamp of approval for the partition of India.

There is also a talk in UP, where the Ram temple campaign yielded rich electoral dividends for BJP, to have tallest statue of Lord Ram in Ayodhya. In a state where children are dying in hospitals due to lack of Oxygen cylinders, a huge budgetary allocation will be required for such project. While on statues one should also remember that in Maharashtra a tall statue of Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj is underway in Arabian Sea, near Mumbai. Only few voices of protest against it came up, e.g. that of renowned journalist, now, MP, Kumar Ketkar, whose house was vandalised for his opposing the move on the grounds that same massive amount can be utilized for welfare-development activities in the state.

On the back of this comes a comparatively low budget 114 feet tall statue of Jesus Christ in Karnataka, in Kappala hills Harobele village, where Christian pilgrims have been thronging from last several centuries. The land for this has been donated by Congress leader Shivaprasad and his brother, a Congress MP. It is planned to be carved out from a single rock. The plan of this statue is being opposed by those who have been behind most of the statue projects so far. Hindu Jagran Vedike, VHP, RSS are up in arms saying that they will not let this come up. There are various arguments cited for this opposition. It is being said that this was a place of worship of Lord Munnieshwara (a form of Lord Shiva).

More than this it is being argued that Shivakumar is trying to please his Italian boss in the party. Also that this will bring back the period of slavery of foreign rule, the colonial rule of British. As such this opposition is more in tune with the ideology of RSS combine, which has been for a statue here and a statue there. Their politics regards Christianity as a ‘foreign religion’! It is true that in Citizenship Amendment Act, they have not excluded Christianity while other religion, which they regard as ‘Foreign’ i.e. Islam. Here they are using a different logic, that the countries from where persecuted minorities are coming, are Muslim countries, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Bangla Desh.

In India the major targeting by RSS combine has been against Muslims, but Christians are also not spared. Starting in the decade of 1980, an intense propaganda has been going on that Christian Missionaries are converting. As RSS affiliate Vanvasi Kalyan Ashram became active in Adivasi areas, the likes of Swami Aseemanand, Swami Laxmanand and followers of Aasaram bapu spread out in Tribal areas. They started their programs to popularise Shabri and Hanuman, with congregations like Shabri Kumbh being regularly organized in these areas. The aim was to Hinduize the people in those areas.

The first major anti Christian violence came up in the ghastly form of burning alive of Pastor Graham Steward Stains along with his two minor sons Timothy and Philip. RSS affiliate Bajrang Dal's Dara Siingh aka Rajendra Pal was behind this and he is serving the life term for that. At the same time Wadhva Commission was appointed to investigate this crime which shook the country and President K.R. Narayan termed it as the one belonging to the inventory of the black deeds of human history.

The Wadhva commission report pointed out that there was no statistical significant change in the region where the pastor was working. Similarly the national figures tell us that the Christian population, if at all, has marginally declined in last five decades as per the census figures. They stand like this, percentage of Christians in population, 1971-2.60, 1981- 2.44, 1991-2.34, 2001-2.30 and 2011-2.30. There are arguments that some people are converting to Christianity but are not revealing their religion. This may be true in case of miniscule percentage of dalits, who may not reveal there conversion, as they stand to loose reservation provisions if they convert.

The anti Christian violence is scattered and is below the radar most of the places. There was massive valence in Kandhamal, Orissa, when on the pretext that Christians have murdered Swami Laxmananand, a massive violence was unleashed in 2008. On regular basis prayer meetings of Christians are attacked on the pretext that these are attempts at conversion. While there is a huge demand for the schools and colleges run by Christian groups, in Adivasis areas and remote areas the work of Swamis is on.

Now the trend is to dump Christian traditions. Since Ramnath Kovind became President, the usual practice of Carol Singers visiting Rashtrapati Bhavan has been stopped. In the army retreat so far ‘Abide with me’ by Scottish poet, Henri Francis Lyte, a Christian song, a favourite of Gandhi, has been dropped. The Christian minorities have perceived the threat in various forms. Currently they are as much part of the protests against CAA, NPR and NRIC as any other community.

While statues and identity issues cannot have primacy over the social development issues, it cannot be selective. To oppose Jesus Christ statue while spending fortunes for other statues is a part of the agenda of RSS combine, which is unfolding itself in various forms. opposition to Jesus Christ statue being yet another step in the direction.

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Ram Puniyani
May 2,2020

India has tragically witnessed the phenomenon of lynching becoming dominant during last few years. It was particularly around the issue of Holy Cow-Beef, that lynchings became more prevalent and two communities had to face the brunt of it, Muslims and dalits. The IndiaSpend data showed the rise of the incidents from 2014 and that close to 90% of victims were Muslims or dalits. Some notorious cases of lynchings were the one of Akhlaq, Junaid, Alimuddin Ansari, the beatings of dalits in Una. At another level it is during this period that the noted social worker Swami Agnivesh was also subjected to humiliating beating in the public. The communal color in India by now is so strong that many events, even before the details are known, are looked at from the communal color and false social noises start even before real facts are known.

Nothing can exemplify this more than the tragic lynching of two sadhus and their driver in Gadchinal village, near Palghar, a city nearly 110 Kilomenters from Mumbai. As the news of this tragedy spread the BJP leaders immediately started blaming Muslim minority for the crime. Nalin Kohli in an Interview to a German Channel said so. Not to be left behind Sambit Patra, the BJP spokesperson launched a tirade  against the liberals-seculars for their silence on the issue. As the matter stands the truth comes out that those sadhus were travelling to Surat from Kandivli area of Mumbai. It is a period of lockdown and they did not have the permission so they were avoiding the highway travel and going through interior routes. On this route was a village Gadchinale, an Adivasi dominated village where this tragedy took place.

During the lockdown period due to Corona virus the economic and social deprivation of poor people is extreme. Many rumors are floating there. In this village the rumor doing rounds was that a gang of chid lifters is roaming in different guises. Thats what these Sadhus were taken to be. Since the victims were Hindus and culprits are deliberately presumed to be from the other community. One recalls that to trigger the Mumbai violence in 1992-93 the incidence of murder of two Mathadi workers (HIndus) and burning of Bane family (Hindu) in Jogeshwari area of Mumbai, both these were false, these incidents were used as the pretext for the attack on the minorities.

In this case not only BJP leaders, the RSS itself also  jumped into fray along with Sadhu Samaj. A vicious atmosphere started building up. 

As the incident took place, Palghar case dominated the usual media channels and large sections of social media. The Government of Maharashtra (Shiv Sena+NCP+Congress) stood on the solid ground of truthfulness and arrested nearly 100 culprits, none of them being a Muslim. Interestingly the local body of the village is controlled by BJP and the chief of this body Chitra Chowdhari is a BJP leader. While the Maharashtra Government is standing on the solid ground of the facts of the case, it has also given the warning that those spreading falsehoods will not be spared.

The cruelty of those taking law into their hands is shocking. During the last few years taking law into the hands of the mobs is becoming close to normal. The real reasons are many. One of this being the lack of proper punishment to those who indulge in such dastardly acts. Not only that many of them are in the good books of the ruling establishment and many of them are honored despite their despicable role in such incidents. One recalls that in case of Mohammad Ikhlaq lynching, one of the accused died in the police custoy due to incidentlal disease. Then Union Central Minister Mahesh Sharma landed up to drape his body in tricolor. In another such case of Alimuddin Ansari, when eight of the accused got bail, the Union Minister Jayant Sinha garlanded them. What message it sends down the line?

The other factors contributing to the rise in intensity of violence is the overall social frustration due to life generally becoming more difficult. The rule of BJP has also encouraged intolerance, where people with differing opinions are looked down upon and called anti- Hindu, Anti National etc. Swami Agnivesh who criticised the blind faith, the statements like ‘plastic surgery in ancient India, or divine nature of Barfani Baba in Amarnath was humiliated in public.

The core issue is the dominance of sectarian mindset promoted by the ruling party and its parent organization the RSS. They are waiting to jump at any event which can be given communal color or where the minorities can be demonized. Few news channels, who are playing the role of loud speakers of divisive politics are adding salt to the wounds. The degree of Hate spread in the society has further taken the aid of innumerable social media networks to spread the false hoods down to all the sections of society.

The need for law against lynching needs to be brought in. All those participating in such dastardly violence need to be punished. Before that the whole atmosphere of Hate mongering and feeling that those talking law into their hands can get away with it, needs to be countered strongly. While a prompt police action against such incidents is the need of the hour, those who have made spreading hate as their business need to realize that no country can progress without the feeling of fraternity. Demonizing weaker sections may give them higher TRP, but it is also undermining our path of peace and progress.

Respect for Indian Constitution and rule of law needs to be restored. The fact check mechanisms like AltNews need to be activated much more. And lastly one must applaud the steps taken by the Government of Maharashtra to ensure that justice is done and Hate spreading is  checked right in its tracks.

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Amar Akbar Antony
 - 
Wednesday, 24 Jun 2020

Beautiful article. We need people like you- the need of the hour.

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Ram Puniyani
February 10,2020

Noam Chomsky is one of the leading peace workers in the world. In the wake of America’s attack on Vietnam, he brought out his classic formulation, ‘manufacturing consent’. The phrase explains the state manipulating public opinion to have the public approve of it policies—in this case, the attack of the American state on Vietnam, which was then struggling to free itself from French colonial rule.

In India, we are witness to manufactured hate against religious minorities. This hatred serves to enhance polarisation in society, which undermines India’s democracy and Constitution and promotes support for a Hindu nation. Hate is being manufactured through multiple mechanisms. For example, it manifests in violence against religious minorities. Some recent ghastly expressions of this manufactured hate was the massive communal violence witnessed in Mumbai (1992-93), Gujarat (2002), Kandhamal (2008) and Muzaffarnagar (2013). Its other manifestation was in the form of lynching of those accused of having killed a cow or consumed beef. A parallel phenomenon is the brutal flogging, often to death, of Dalits who deal with animal carcasses or leather.

Yet another form of this was seen when Shambhulal Regar, indoctrinated by the propaganda of Hindu nationalists, burned alive Afrazul Khan and shot the video of the heinous act. For his brutality, he was praised by many. Regar was incited into the act by the propaganda around love jihad. Lately, we have the same phenomenon of manufactured hate taking on even more dastardly proportions as youth related to Hindu nationalist organisations have been caught using pistols, while police authorities look on.

Anurag Thakur, a BJP minster in the central government recently incited a crowd in Delhi to complete his chant of what should happen to ‘traitors of the country...” with a “they should be shot”. Just two days later, a youth brought a pistol to the site of a protest at Jamia Millia Islamia university and shouted “take Azaadi!” and fired it. One bullet hit a student of Jamia. This happened on 30 January, the day Nathuram Godse had shot Mahatma Gandhi in 1948. A few days later, another youth fired near the site of protests against the CAA and NRC at Shaheen Bagh. Soon after, he said that in India, “only Hindus will rule”.

What is very obvious is that the shootings by those associated with Hindu nationalist organisations are the culmination of a long campaign of spreading hate against religious minorities in India in general and against Muslims in particular. The present phase is the outcome of a long and sustained hate campaign, the beginning of which lies in nationalism in the name of religion; Muslim nationalism and Hindu nationalism. This sectarian nationalism picked up the communal view of history and the communal historiography which the British introduced in order to pursue their ‘divide and rule’ policy.

In India what became part of “social common sense” was that Muslim kings had destroyed Hindu temples, that Islam was spread by force, and that it is a foreign religion, and so on. Campaigns, such as the one for a temple dedicated to the Hindu god Rama to be built at the site where the Babri masjid once stood, further deepened the idea of a Muslim as a “temple-destroyer”. Aurangzeb, Tipu Sultan and other Muslim kings were tarnished as the ones who spread Islam by force in the subcontinent. The tragic Partition, which was primarily due to British policies, and was well-supported by communal streams also, was entirely attributed to Muslims. The Kashmir conflict, which is the outcome of regional, ethnic and other historical issues, coupled with the American policy of supporting Pakistan’s ambitions of regional hegemony, (which also fostered the birth of Al-Qaeda), was also attributed to the Muslims.

With recurring incidents of communal violence, these falsehoods went on going deeper into the social thinking. Violence itself led to ghettoisation of Muslims and further broke inter-community social bonds. On the one hand, a ghettoised community is cut off from others and on the other hand the victims come to be presented as culprits. The percolation of this hate through word-of-mouth propaganda, media and re-writing of school curricula, had a strong impact on social attitudes towards the minorities.

In the last couple of decades, the process of manufacturing hate has been intensified by the social media platforms which are being cleverly used by the communal forces. Swati Chaturvedi’s book, I Am a Troll: Inside the Secret World of the BJP’s Digital Army, tells us how the BJP used social media to spread hate. Whatapp University became the source of understanding for large sections of society and hate for the ‘Other’, went up by leaps and bounds. To add on to this process, the phenomenon of fake news was shrewdly deployed to intensify divisiveness.

Currently, the Shaheen Bagh movement is a big uniting force for the country; but it is being demonised as a gathering of ‘anti-nationals’. Another BJP leader has said that these protesters will indulge in crimes like rape. This has intensified the prevalent hate.

While there is a general dominance of hate, the likes of Shambhulal Regar and the Jamia shooter do get taken in by the incitement and act out the violence that is constantly hinted at. The deeper issue involved is the prevalence of hate, misconceptions and biases, which have become the part of social thinking.

These misconceptions are undoing the amity between different religious communities which was built during the freedom movement. They are undoing the fraternity which emerged with the process of India as a nation in the making. The processes which brought these communities together broadly drew from Gandhi, Bhagat Singh and Ambedkar. It is these values which need to be rooted again in the society. The communal forces have resorted to false propaganda against the minorities, and that needs to be undone with sincerity.

Combating those foundational misconceptions which create hatred is a massive task which needs to be taken up by the social organisations and political parties which have faith in the Indian Constitution and values of freedom movement. It needs to be done right away as a priority issue in with a focus on cultivating Indian fraternity yet again.

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