In my seven years of spiritual counselling, I have come across several people angry and hurt that they have not been shown a little gratitude from those they have helped “come up” in life. Although this is common, in our state of self-pity we feel that our situation is exclusive. Sometimes the hurt takes centre stage in our lives and slowly gnaws into our relationship with others and our very well being. Unable to reconcile, people would rather give money to charitable organizations than to their underprivileged “loved” ones. The cry, “I will never help any person within the family again,” is all too familiar.
Does the answer lie in playing “safe” than being offended again? Should we allow one person’s ungratefulness to make us cynical with the whole world? In spiritual terms, we also need to introspect our own motive: Do I help because I love doing it and in so doing follow a universal route? Or, do I help to receive attention and even some adulation?
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Here is a summary version of a parable that Jesus narrated to his disciples: There was once a rich man who had two sons. The older son was hard working and a model of obedience. The younger son was given to spending. One day the younger son demands his share of the property as an early inheritance. The father divides the property. Not too long after that, the younger son gathers all that he has and sets off to a distant land. There he squanders all the money. Very soon that land is hit by a famine and he is compelled to take up a job to feed the pigs. Such was his destitute condition that he even longs to eat the pigs’ food. Recognizing his utterly fallen state and repenting at his own rebellious and selfish attitude, he decides to return.
On seeing the younger son’s wretched condition, the father’s heart is moved with compassion and he rushes out to embrace his son. The son asks for forgiveness. Not only is he forgiven, a banquet is ordered.
On returning home from his daily errands, the older son finds that there is music and merrymaking. His curiosity turns into anger when a servant tells him that his brother had returned and that the father had called for a feast. On seeing the older son angry, the father now rushes out to bring him in.
Invariably, when this story is discussed, the focus is on the father and the younger son. I will, however, focus on the older son. On careful contemplation, I found that just as the younger son needed God’s healing touch, the older son – after that event - needed it, too. Perhaps the older son needed it more. The younger son was not wounded; the older son was. He is unable to see the repentance in the younger son’s heart, which the father can. "My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found," are the father’s assuring words to his industrious son.
The disapproving emotions of the older son are relevant even today. The older son, however, is just a symbolic figure. The role models could be anyone in the family, who may have spent their time, energy and resources for the upliftment of their impoverished relatives. They feel the same hurt when they do not receive their “reward” in terms of a continuous show of gratitude and respect. While listening to couples in marital distress, I have on two occasions heard this: “Atleast my wife can show some gratitude – after all her family had nothing when I married her.” Sad, isn’t it?
How easily do we forget that if we were able to give, it was simply because we were first given that grace by God. For those who might find this hard to digest, atleast it is logical that we cannot give when we don’t have. The question then is: “Are we ungrateful to God?” Yet we expect others to be grateful.
One can dabble at great length on the psychological reasons for people’s ungrateful behaviour, but I imagine expectations of gratitude from those who we have helped can become a burden too heavy for them to carry. If we are to free others, we need to free ourselves first.
In the story, if the squanderer has sinned, so has the older son. Not looking through God’s eyes, the older son is overcome with envy. It is a sin that has a terrifying potential to impair our spirit.
The story of the prodigal son appears in different forms in the Bible and in our lives. The good news is that God’s promise is for all ages and also includes material riches – not just spiritual graces. Absolutely!
When Abraham, in his wisdom, generously asked his nephew Lot to choose a portion of the land so that their cattle could graze without conflict between his own herdsmen and his nephew’s herdsmen, Lot selfishly chose the greenest plain of the Jordan. After Lot had parted, God said to Abraham, “Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you." That is exactly what Abraham experienced.
While we know how the story of the prodigal son ends for the younger son, the Bible does not tell us how it ends for his older brother. Does the older son overcome his envy? Does he surrender his pride? Does he accept that his father also loves him equally, or is he ensnared by his wounded self-esteem? This is precisely what we need to reflect upon.
True to God’s gift of a free will, I believe that choice is for us to make: either accept God’s unprejudiced love and join in the banquet; or, remain outside languishing in envy, resentment and self-pity.
If chosen wisely, a lot of us who find ourselves in similar situations can experience healing.
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