Comparing me to Salman or Shah Rukh not justified to them: Irrfan

Irrfan, 46, a National award-winning actor, is a dreamer wanting to fly like a bird. He is shy, fun-loving, obsesses about each of his characters and rolls his own cigarette. Ahead of his upcoming release D-Day, the trapped son and liberating father, talks to TOI about his idea of stardom, how he keeps falling in love and why Tigmanshu Dhulia holds a special place in his life. Excerpts:

I come from a feudal middle-class family from Tonk near Jaipur. My father had moved to Jaipur where he ran a tyre dealership and so I grew up there. He did not have a business sensibility and did not secure his future. Like him, I too lack business sense. I was always a dreamer and had a desire to be noticed and was obsessed with wanting to learn the craft of films. I was fascinated with films, even though we had limited access to them. There was a theatre in Tonk with a ladies section where we were allowed, once in a while, as kids. As a teenager, I dreamt of buying a projector and kept pestering my father to buy it for me till he finally did, after seven months. I could see Rajesh Khanna moving just a bit in it, but I would get really excited. I would give strange excuses to go for films. Once I went to see Bazaar and saw it three times back-to-back and was terrified to return home. So, I hurt my hand myself to divert the attention of my family, so that no one would ask me where I was. My father was neither interested in my studies nor wanted me to do a job, as he had a feudal mindset. He died just before I got my admission in National School Of Drama (NSD). While he never knew about my interest in acting, he once saw me doing a filmi play in Jaipur and I remember him smiling watching me. After his death, even though the responsibility of the family fell on me, my heart was not in business and I knew I had to go to NSD and I did. In my final year there, Mira Nair cast me for Salaam Bombay.
Who are you most attached to?
To my mother; I wanted her attention, but it was always a tussle as being the older one, she put a lot of restrictions on me. I was shy, but followed my heart. Nobody understood me in my family. I discovered my father only now. For instance, the day he died, he was lying on his stomach with his hand on his heart in the room on the first floor. When he saw me, he shook my hand and he died thereafter. It hit me only ten years back that actually that day he was having chest pain, but did not want anyone to know, so was lying down that way.
You are deeply emotional?
I am and am actually afraid of my emotions, that is why I choose my friends as I get attached easily. I have this sense of unity in my head, where I believe that two people can actually become one. A few relationships earlier have given me hurt and I don't like myself for not forgetting that. I would love myself if I could be easy with it. I see myself getting easier, but it is still there. Also, what bothers me is if someone cheats me in any way. I keep falling in love, but I don't share it with the other person. I am shy and it stays in my heart. It's complicated. My wife knows this about me and knows me, but she also knows that it is only in my head. Problems happen when it manifests into sex, but I don't get into that area. It's a feeling I can't explain. I have never expressed my love to anyone other than when I was young and did not get a positive response, so I now keep it to myself. I am a hesitant man.
What is your idea of stardom?
I have this special connection of wanting to leave an impression on people's hearts and want my films to haunt them. My idea of stardom was that whenever people see me they should see me in different looks. I am pretty happy the way I am going, but would love to be in a space where I don't need anything, be it money, popularity or recognition. Fame is a kind of disease. It's like a trap and a fascination. It's also a medicine. It frees you from your baggage.
Has becoming a father changed you?
My wife and I were friends from NSD and we have two sons. The two most enigmatic experiences in my life have been of making love and raising kids. These are magical things put by the universe into the system. There are no words to explain my feeling when my first son was born. Being a father gives you a strange kind of connection with another being. Seeing them growing everyday is itself special. It makes you more giving. There are also traps in raising your kids where you start living your life through them. But you need to be conscious of whether you are trapping them or preparing them for liberation. I was trapped as a son, but I am a liberating father. I want them to live their lives to the fullest. Having kids make you easier about going away from the planet as you understand that it is a process of transferring to them.
Which are the directors you have enjoyed working with?
Tigmanshu Dhulia and I are friends and we share a deep chemistry. Even if he says two lines to me, I see a whole new world in that. I like the way Vishal Bhardwaj writes his language and the interesting subjects he picks up. Mira Nair wears her heart on her sleeve and is a unique combination of popular Hindi cinema with Hollywood sensibilities. Ang Lee is painfully obsessed with perfection, Anurag Basu is great fun to work with and Nikhil Advani is extremely collaborative and open.
Are there actors around you who you like?
The problem with our industry is that we do not celebrate uniqueness. Why does everybody start looking the same and are not encouraged to explore their individuality? When Chitrangda came, there was a certain sensuality in her. Why was she not allowed to explore that, for her to flourish? The industry pushes you into an area that is not your strong point. I like the bravery or smartness of Vidya, the face of Parineeti and the sensuality of Katrina. My co-actor in Lunchbox, Nimrit Kaur is ultimate for me right now. She is not glamourous, but the country will be in love with her once you see her. I also like the atmosphere being created by actors like Randeep Hooda, Sushant Singh Rajput, Aditya Roy Kapur and Nawazuddin Siddiqui.